WORDS OF ADVICE: DAMILOLA TORIOLA
A love language describes the way in which you desire to be loved and taken care of by the people you are attached to. There are five love languages; physical touch, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and words of affirmation. One thing a lot of people tend to forget is that those love languages aren’t mutually exclusive, a person can have multiple love languages at once. Sometimes your love language might not be one of the 5 stated, for example my love language is freedom.
Pain can give you access to beauties happiness can’t reach
Have you ever been attached to pain? Have you ever felt as though you didn’t deserve good things? Do you put yourself in detrimental situations due to lack of compunction? The love language you are accustomed to; may be pain. Pain can give you access to beauties happiness can’t reach; however, this shouldn’t be romanticised. When you are so familiar with chaos and various disruptions in your love life, they become home; a reference point for what safety feels like. Familiarity can be comforting; we often return of toxicity because we assume that love is only possible when pain and pleasure are conflated.
Looking deeper into it, people who have a love language rooted in pain are simply afraid to confront the parts of that require change because it would involve a type of transformation they have never witnessed before. Love is really just a journey filled with endless transformation.
That is why people use “it’s complicated” to exhaust a relationship
This could also manifest itself as a result of fear of abandonment. When you have an irrational fear of abandonment, you tend to stay in painful situations way too long. That is why people use “it’s complicated” to exhaust a relationship which has already served its purpose to teach you a lesson. A common form of self-harm is entertaining people who satisfy us but don’t give us what we need and consequently falling for distractions. People who use pain as an escape or love language, have the tendency to rush into situations and feel distressed when they are faced with a lack of companionship, rushing things might mean they are attempting to outrun another feeling, in this case the fear of transformation. That’s what ambivalence feels like, desiring good things, but the inability to let go of what makes you comfortable. It is natural; however, it hinders your ability to love and be loved in a healthily. I guess what I am trying to say is that, nobody will ever love you properly until you love yourself enough to know when to let go of that pain and actively seeking better for yourself.
a healthy love language comes with learning how to put yourself first
If you feel triggered in any way by what I said, it is not a bad thing. Part of growth and self-improvement requires self-awareness. We tend to resist growth because we assume leaving our comfort zone won’t benefit us and holding a mirror will threaten the relationship that we have with ourselves. Most of what I write can be deemed as anecdotal or a harangue because my writing depicts my personal experiences and those of the people around me. Any type of yearning that will cost you your happiness, integrity and morals is never worth it. The biggest misconception is that you can’t control your emotions, they are always valid. It is easy to overcomplicate things, from an objective point of view; the ability to choose a healthy love language comes with learning how to put yourself first. Sometimes falling apart is the only thing that will help you come back together and release you self-limiting traits.