This ongoing series depicts Kristina Podobed‘s long-time bestie Anya, an eccentric self-mocking Ukrainian blonde with gap teeth who loves flooding Instagram with oceans of tears and lines of mad love for her boyfriend Maxim.
INTERVIEW: IRA LUPU
PHOTOGRAPHY: KRISTINA PODOBED
Anya Melnikova: Hey Ira, I’m calling you on my way to the casting for some social advertising campaign aimed to help girls fight their fear of periods!
Ira Lupu: Is this a real social problem? I’ve never been afraid of periods.
Anya: Me either. I just don’t get it. Maybe I should have brought them my periods in a plastic bag, like I’ve done with the poop once. Hm… Maybe some girls dread periods because their parents raise them in a stupid way. I think periods are really cool. When you have them, you can manipulate all the people around you. By the way Ira, I’ve bought a special menstrual cup so I don’t use pads anymore.
Ira: I’d rather listen to methods of manipulating people with periods. Tell me about them?
Anya: Well you know them all. It’s like, in school having periods was a good reason to skip physical education classes or avoid cleaning up in the room. But for now, I’m sick and tired of periods. No, really. I start doing sports during PMS, then the Red Moon’s rising, so you can’t move anymore. You give up and ignore exercising till next PMS and it goes round and round again.
Ira: Let’s imagine this world without periods. A paradise!
Anya: Yes! It would have been much better if we didn’t menstruate. But when we do and we feel those hellish pains and discomfort, we ought to inform boys about it. Really. They have to know how we suffer. Right?
Ira: Yeah. Of course we’re getting used to this biological aspect and just accept it as it is, but if to think of it… You’re bleeding, for God’s sake. Nature is a horrible Satan’s church.
Anya: For me, periods are more disgusting than horrible. Everything around is getting messy in my case… All the clothes, sheets, towels… Oh is it allowed to tell such things during interviews?
Ira: We’ll cut everything out. I don’t know why we started this menstrual thing. Initially, I wanted to talk about love.
Anya: Baby, I’ve arrived at casting, I’ll reach you later.
(in half an hour, Anya calls back.)
Ira: So how the casting went through?
Anya: They’ve been asking me the same things about periods that you asked. Why the girls are afraid of periods, what’s the social attitude to them, etc. When answering, I forgot all the clever words. Though I didn’t know them before. Sorry Ira our interview is getting very stupid now.
Ira: I hope you won’t pass this casting. And don’t worry, smart conversations are much worse.
Anya: What can we do to save this interview?
Ira: Let’s do a little love talk!
Anya: Ok! So, my love life! From the very childhood, I used to fall in love with anyone who would resemble to me a “bad boy”. And I’ve been doing this all the time, each month or so. At the age of 11, I broke my lover’s nose because he didn’t want to hug me goodbye.
Ira: I’ve done the similar thing at kindergarten, but without any reason. I was just listening to the story the boy I liked was telling. Then, I slowly took his head in my hands as if I was mesmerised, and smashed it on the wall.
Anya: Wow you rock. Did he like you too?
Ira: We were madly in love of course. Our beds stood side by side during the nap time. But then he cheated on me. I was broken but I found shelter in a loving embrace of a more faithful admirer. We were four years old. What about you?
Anya: You know, I always loved dickheads. If one of them ever dared to share my love, I would run away so creepy they were. And one day I met my first true love, Kostya. A good-looking and smart man. But I don’t remember much about our relationships. Can you insert a link to his Soundcloud?
Ira: Ladies and gentlemen, meet Kostya Lobanov: https://soundcloud.com/konstantin-14
Anya: When he left me, I suffered so much. I thought this is the end, and I would never fall in love again! But then I met my current boyfriend Maxim. And I understood how foolish I was when I suffered and thought there’s nobody like Kostya. If somebody leaves you, or things are not working out well, just let it go! Ha-ha! With Maxim, I understood that in the relationships it’s absolutely redundant to argue and get on your partner’s nerves. And it’s important to cherish each other. To talk things over and solve problems.
Ira: Why do we need partners and relationships at all?
Anya: Because thus we can have sex without condom, which is good for environment. Also, there would be someone to convoy you to your house at night. Because it’s so scary to walk the dark streets on your own! Also, being in a couple is just more fun. When you’re alone, one evening you would start thinking about how bad things in life are. With a partner, you can do this together.
Ira: What would you recommend to a person whose heart is broken?
Anya: I would say, cheer up! There will be hundreds of other Kostyas! Oh you don’t need this dickhead! Oh you’ll find love again, the biggest love in the hopeless place! The most important thing is to stay away from other dickheads too. I mean, skip insincere guys with super big egos, the ones who don’t appreciate you. Now, love only kind and polite guys!
Ira: Whom do you love except Maxim?
Anya: I love mommy, daddy and some other people. I love some animals. I love Kristina and you. I love our planet. Also, I love watermelons, persimmons, cherries, peas. Melons and peaches.